Finding My Way

March 18, 2016 1 Comment

I have always been sensitive. I think all children are born that way. I remember my mother would tease me for being overly dramatic when big emotions would erupt through me. Emotional literacy is not something that many parents have bandwidth for in the maelstrom of modern life and child rearing, so the nuances of understanding and dealing with emotions tends to be oversimplified to what is socially acceptable and what is not. 

Big emotions make people feel uncomfortable and we soon learn to hide them away.  

Still, I remained sensitive, preferring to spend my time in quiet, intimate spaces and places where I would not be overwhelmed by the emotions and energies of people around me. I didn’t see or understand it that way at the time, of course, but looking back I remember how I always nurtured one friend at a time and avoided the chaotic, loud and crowded spaces my peers were drawn to. What a serious soul I was! 

When my own children were young, pre verbal, it was my job to figure out what they were communicating, to anticipate and tune in to their every need and help them navigate their emotions and experiences. I was really good at it. For my friends too, I was a natural problem solver, unconsciously sensing their needs and easily offering solutions or ideas and connections that they may not be aware of themselves. 

So why then was it so hard to tune into my own needs and emotions?

I'm not sure when exactly I lost myself, or rather the connection to myself. I do know that making sure my world was ordered and running smoothly, and that everyone (else) was happy, had always been my focus and my priority. I was needed. I was loved. I was happy. Until one day I wasn't.

At first this was just an awareness. A discomfort. A feeling of mild resentment. Why should everyone else get to do what they want all the time? What about me?

My body was trying to get my attention too, and it was getting louder and louder. My daily headaches were becoming more intense and I really needed to take some time to care for myself. Ignoring my needs and desires was no longer an option. The trouble was that I had forgotten how to do that. I had forgotten what made me happy. I had forgotten what was in my heart.

In my journey towards health and self-discovery I have found, through my gardening and art, that I am drawn to the plants and flowers that will best support my journey.

Often, without thinking I would find myself in my garden. It was my escape. Every year for Mother’s Day, after the obligatory breakfast in bed catered by my littles, my family knew that all I wanted was to have uninterrupted time in my garden. My husband would pack off the kids on some adventure for as long as was possible and leave me alone to the work that never felt like work.

In the garden I found peace. In the garden I even found relief from the pain in my head, the throbbing miraculously easing until I stepped back into the house to resume my life. Time ceased to exist while I was absorbed in the dream of the gardens that fueled my imagination. It was absolutely my happy place.

I talked to the plants all the time. It’s not like they spoke back but somehow I would have lengthy conversations with them just like I did with my children before they could speak. It’s communication without words and I would just create my own internal dialogue. 

Crazy plant lady perhaps but there was an ease and clarity to my conversations and I could really feel the different personalities, sense where they would best thrive and when they needed attention from me. These plants were my best friends. They were such good listeners too as I complained about  how to restore some semblance of ease and balance in my life, or rather how to balance my needs with those of my family.

And that’s when the universe stepped in to give me a little nudge.

My husband was laid off. The cash flow that sustained us was running out and I really needed to get back into the workforce. My homeschooled children would have to go to school. It was all super stressful as everything in my carefully planned life began to spin out of control.

It was right at this time that I discovered Hellebore.

She was growing in a beautiful courtyard garden at an art museum I was visiting. I can’t say how long I spent there but the luminous chartreuse color of the flowers, the way they grew, the form of the leaves—I was instantly and completely in love. I took many photos, I made sketches and I spent a long time simply sitting with her. 

Talking with Hellebore was medicine for my soul. My heart was singing and my whole body buzzing with joy. I could feel the way her flowers softly hung their "heads" with humility and grace and then opened up fully towards the sky, as they embraced their power and full glory. Hellebore shared a glimpse of something that made me feel alive and truly happy. Not in fine detail but a knowing, an understanding, like a door opening and a breath of fresh air flowing in after all the years of the door being shut. The words she was whispering?

It's time to stop hiding. It's time to follow your heart. You know what to do.

And so came self-awareness. Or the seeds of it. 

It was Hellebore who “told” me to create the Soulflower Plant Spirit Oracle deck. 

Of course I didn’t hear those words out loud but I felt a ripple of deep knowing flood my entire body that I couldn’t ignore. In my mind's eye I could see the sketches and paintings of all the flowers I had been playing with come together into a beautiful bouquet—a gift of all the flowers that capture my heart on a daily basis to heal with them. It was an invitation I could not refuse and marked the beginning of my Soulflower journey.

Had I known then the extent of the journey I was about to embark on I am pretty sure I would have reasoned my way out of it. But the seed of inspiration had been sown and I definitely knew what I had to do. 🌸 

 

New Path Prayer

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