On Finding Courage

August 30, 2018 1 Comment

On Finding Courage

Can we act on our intuitive impulses, in the moment, when we receive the nudge? INSPIRED ACTION. Or instead, do we slip into overthinking and fear and ignore the impulses, repeating and following old unconscious paths of least resistance?

The lessons from Hawthorn are not the easiest. Facing our fears, overcoming our fears, and even recognizing and acknowledging our fears is where I believe the edge of personal growth occurs. But this process is super challenging and, honestly, most of us unconsciously run in the opposite direction.

After all the lead-up to me finally taking on my Soulflower work full time, followed by Daylily supporting a “pause” for the month of July, I was ready for some August inspired action! Of course that is not at all what happened and I found instead that I spent the month wading through a swamp of negative thinking, fear and general uninspired lethargy.

This seems to be the way Hawthorn works with me. She throws me right into the muck—it’s a very physical experience.

But upon closer examination, when I can get past the initial discomfort, I find the muck is more like the primordial ooze that I imagine inhabits a cocoon as the caterpillar turns into a mush, rearranges and reorganizes itself before finally making its way out into the world.

A physical reorganization. But in order to reorganize, you have to become aware of what it is you are rearranging. So this past month I ended up not just looking at one particular fear, instead, it seemed I cycled through almost all of them!

On the fear of judgement

Almost every single intuitive creative impulse I feel tends to end up going through multiple filters and revisions before it is offered to the world. Revisions that stem from unconsciously overthinking what the potential reactions and judgments of others may be. Second guessing myself. So that essentially, I am consistently and constantly squashing the exact energy that is required for creative growth. I am literally holding myself back.

Take Facebook live for example.  An amazing tool for sharing inspired thought and creativity. What a beautiful way to connect with others! What a beautiful way to show up, authentically, in joy (or in pain), in the moment. And yet for me, and many others, it feels too overwhelming, too scary, too much like a way to “appear” like a bumbling fool and face the judgement of others.

Honestly, this has not been my (limited) experience, but my ego sure knows how to play out all the potential ways I could mess up ahead of time so that the original impulse to share gets lost, buried in the confusion of overthinking.

On the fear of failure

So this past month I heard myself saying to my family, I just want it to be easy! Or in other words… “can you just do it my way!”

"Ha! Ha!" As soon as the words leave my mouth I hear Hawthorn laughing. “Examine your fears my dear. What is really going on here?”

Oh yeah, fear of failure. Not being able to protect my kids or myself from pain, from hardships, from difficulties, challenges and FAILURE! But wrapping myself, and them, in cotton wool doesn’t serve to protect right? It only serves to stunt growth. I know this. I KNOW THIS!

My fears, and my habitual impulse to repeat old scripts, to remain unconscious, easily kicks in when I am not paying attention.

I know that it is so much easier to discipline and guide and set strong, nurturing boundaries for my children (and myself) when the guidance comes from the heart and a place of love. Rules that come from a place of fear, and governed by the ego, children easily see through—and do they ever push back! 

Hmmm. This is pretty close to the fear of not being in control. Maybe it’s the same thing?

On the fear of success

Seriously! Do I have to go there too?

What if I act on my inspired creative impulses and all of sudden I get people paying attention to me and my work? What if they want to know more? What if I find myself getting too busy, so that I don’t have time for my garden, for my family? What if I have to (*gasp) find help??? What if my business starts to grow and can actually pay the bills?

(FEAR OF BEING SEEN creeps in. And then there’s FEAR OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL...again.)

And then there is the FEAR OF MONEY itself that so often comes along with success. I think about the many people out there that have money, lots of money, and they are never satisfied. They can be greedy, abusive, ugly...in their efforts to have more and more. I know that is not me. I know I am a different person...but would actually having money change me? Turn me into a thoughtless, shallow person?

“Of course not!”, laughs Hawthorn.

I do know this. Money is a beautiful creative energy and only serves to amplify the creative energy of the human heart (and wallet) it flows through.

I have so so many ideas and beautiful, love-filled creations I want to birth into this reality. And yet my “money is the root of all evil” belief is as good as a vow of poverty. A creativity squashing, suffocating, heart-numbing, disconnecting poverty.

On the fear of feeling

Around and around I go, cycling through all these fears. Feeling their weight, and their crippling power to close my heart and to close my mind. I can see and feel a world of fear, greed, scarcity and anger. But I can also see a world of exquisite beauty, abundance, love and kindness. And I can see it all within me as well as in the world around me.

It’s like I am floating on the surface of the deepest, darkest, coldest, powerful ocean while gazing out at the infinite, expansive, star-filled, light-filled sky above me.

Sink or soar? Or just try to stay afloat, treading water?

I surrender to the depths.

The August heat was oppressive and heavy. It was so hard to do anything, to feel motivated, to feel inspired at all. And it seemed I was overcome and paralysed by my biggest fear: THE FEAR OF FEELING DISCOMFORT & PAIN, both physical and emotional.

I have a great talent for anticipating it, circumnavigating it and avoiding it. Controlling my environment, or at least trying to, believing that I can.

I am thrashing in the water now...fighting...

“It’s okay.” says Hawthorn “Relax. This is life. This is you. All of it. You can’t break all the polarities of the universe up and file them neatly into piles of good (yes please) and bad (no thank you). One does not exist without the other. That is the beauty, and the gift of life itself… you get to experience it ALL. You are it all.”

Growing (up) is challenging. Pain is unavoidable. Feeling, and feeling deeply, is unavoidable. Whether we are feeling joy or pain. We have to feel it all.

Fear fosters avoidance which stunts our growth, creates stagnation and disease and more pain...and more fear.


What does it mean to live life to the full anyway?

On the fear of missing out

Wow! Just when I thought I was done, one more fear slipped into my awareness. Hit me in the stomach actually. That deep gnawing fear where your thoughts run amok with anxious admonitions of what you really need to be doing RIGHT NOW, quick before you miss the proverbial boat.

Got to experience that Facebook Live, got to get that newsletter email out, got to get that self-care time scheduled, got to plan some family time, and so on, and so on, and so on. Tick, tock goes the clock! Because if you don’t you are going to miss out!

“What is yours, is yours.” chimes in Hawthorn. “There is no boat. You can’t miss it.”

I snap out of it just as if I’ve just pricked my finger on one of her sharp thorns.

Deep breath.

And I see that Hawthorn has led me full circle. Of course! FOMO is just taking action based on fear right! And that was the question I began with. 

Can we act on our intuitive impulses, in the moment, when we receive the nudge? INSPIRED ACTION. Or instead, do we slip into overthinking and fear and ignore the impulses, repeating and following old unconscious paths of least resistance?

Hawthorn is medicine for the heart on all levels—physical, emotional and spiritual. She supports a strong and protected open-hearted state allowing you to give and receive love, so that you can truly come into your own divine strength and power.

Your courage to live life, and your powerful free will, are fully supported by your divinely connected and inspired heart for your own greatest good AND the greatest good of all.

I can feel peace, calm and understanding settling into my heart.

When you take inspired action led by your heart and your inner knowing, you are allowing the universal source energy that flows through all to flow through you out into the world. It is your direct conversation to the Divine and to all that is. How could that possibly lead you astray or cause you harm?

“Do not be afraid,” says Hawthorn, “your heart cannot be broken...and neither can you.”

Dig deeper with Hawthorn (COURAGE) here.

1 Response

Anna Smith
Anna Smith

September 04, 2018

Love the primeval associations of slush with Hawthorne and going down deep. Followed by the full circle back to the beginning but seeing progress from the journey. Thanks for sharing.

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