“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom goes on as fruit.”—Dawna Markova
What will happen if you speak your truth?
Truly. Think about it. What is the worst that you can imagine?
I can easily conjure up scenarios of intense ridicule, judgment, shame, abandonment and other painful emotions. Imagined...yes...but in actuality I lived my life, for so many years, as if they were my truth. I made them real.
My ego, in order to protect me, helped me create my own dark prison, where I hid in fear of being seen, or rather not being seen as who I truly am.
Our society, our system, programs us to live our lives in ways that make others feel comfortable at the expense of honoring and expressing our own truth.
I see this as the ultimate form of disempowerment. It is systemic, deeply embedded trauma and it is passed down through generations in our individual and collective family stories where our innate desire to belong, to be loved, to feel valued, is manipulated and exploited into pleaser tendencies where we unconsciously and unwittingly perpetuate and support the system that imprisons us.
We feed our felt unworthiness and sense of separation by creating acceptable ways to belong...to be someone of value. And you are a bad or selfish person if you do otherwise. If you do not get with the program.
In order to be loved, in order to have power in our world we have a clear script to follow.
Do you know this script?
Working with Hellebore (EMPOWERMENT) this moon cycle has not been about witnessing certain current events in my own life and my understandings from them, so much as it has been about gaining a much deeper understanding and perspective of my life as a whole, in relation to the whole, and my purpose for being here.
Hellebore exudes deeply feminine energy. She shares her grace and power, and radiates a deep inner knowing, a wisdom that transcends physical time and space. THAT is the kind of Earth shaking inner power that Hellebore awakens within us.
From an early age I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt alien.
It is funny now but back then my young mind rationalized, and made sense of this feeling by believing it was because I was an American living in England. Little did I know that my feeling of not belonging would eventually be the seed that inspired my Soulflower work and way of being in the world.
Like going for a swim in the cold ocean, slowly and gradually adjusting to the discomfort and fear of the water has been the metaphor of my spiritual journey of bringing to light what lies hidden in my dark unconscious. Always supported and guided of course by the radiant flowers.
Hellebore was the flower who “told” me to self-publish the Soulflower Plant Spirit Oracle Deck. Now she is the flower letting me know that not only am I fully in the water, it’s time to help others to join me.
One of my biggest gifts is the ease with which I can see the beauty and magic and love of the world. To hold in my heart the vision of the way life could be. The way life should be. To perceive the wholeness of life. The interconnectedness.
I can see clearly the beauty of the entire physical experience, from birth, embodiment in this playground, this Garden of Eden, through death and rebirth, spiralling around and around in Divine perfection. And my deepest desire is to just flow with it. Immerse myself in the mystery. Creating. Loving. Being.
We live on a polarity planet though, and so in knowing and understanding this truth, I also perceive equally the other “side” of this vision.
What we have cocreated on Earth right now is an abomination, the very opposite of life. A system and structure that has been built on shoddy, unbalanced, rotten foundations that we keep trying to shore up with bandaid upon bandaid solution as we attempt to save the only reality we know. EVEN WHEN IT IS A MOST PAINFUL, UNHEALTHY, ANTI-LIFE, HATE-FILLED, TRAUMATIC REALITY. Why? Because we have been programmed to accept and perpetuate it.
In order to belong, in order to have value, in order to have status, IN ORDER TO HAVE POWER, we maintain the status quo and are too scared to face the truth of the situation.
We are in a collective relationship with an abusive, narcissistic system. Fully disempowered and tearing each other apart with blame and shame, intense ridicule, judgment and the myriad other emotions that we internalize and manifest out into the world from our individual unacknowledged pain.
We are the Earth, and we hold the trauma of this collective situation in our individual bodies, endlessly perpetuating it through generations until someone has the courage to face it, accept it and heal.
We are programmed to see power as something outside of ourselves. It is loud. It is strong. It is wealthy. It is educated. It is white.
Ours is a whitewashed world, and like the sterile, monoculture lawns that dot my neighborhood, it is not supportive of life at all. My white privilege programming means that I get to live a life that others can only dream of. And that is very true. And it is also false. Such is the nature of our polarity planet.
Life in all its forms is begging to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, to be empowered.
My cultural privilege gave me access to an education, resources, and support from many well-meaning and loving human beings to help me go places, achieve my dreams, open doors etc. when, in actuality, it programmed me to perpetuate a racist, divided, unfair, non-stop, produce, produce, do, do, do, buy, buy, buy, unsustainable, debt laden system that ultimately benefits no one, not even those that pull the strings, and which is destroying our beautiful, shared planet in the process.
A system that I willingly subscribed to with the understanding that these were the ingredients of a “happy and successful” life. Such is the white-washing, or brainwashing, of our system.
White fragility is the tendency among members of the dominant (POWERFUL) white cultural group to have a defensive, wounded, angry, or dismissive response to evidence of racism. But at its core fragility, human emotional fragility, is more the rejection of the notion that we are somehow responsible for our own lives and the world that we are cocreating, that we don’t have any power to change the system, and that we are simply victims of circumstance.
This is DISEMPOWERMENT embodied.
And in my humble opinion, “fragility” does not discriminate.
Fear of the truth of our world, and our responsibility in creating it, does not discriminate.
It is no mistake that here in the US we have an abusive, emotionally fragile, narcissistic leader. This is not a political statement. Whether you support him or not he is the exact medicine that we all need so that we can see what it is that we have cocreated. So that we can heal it, within ourselves and in the world.
I discovered Trump's archetype, in the Lakota tradition, is the Heyoka. "Heyoka is a Native American word meaning 'sacred clown' or 'fool'. Someone who behaves as a mirror, reflecting other people's behavior back to them so that they can see themselves in a new way and begin to heal."
Everything he does is backwards, an unwinding so to speak, an unconscious dive into the dark and his being is exposing the rotten foundations of our system that have been festering for much too long. He is an extremely difficult pill to swallow. Bitter medicine indeed that hopefully will get us better and no doubt is part of his own spiritual journey as well.
Our world deifies external power and abuses it, and we have all fallen victim in some way or form to this creation. We have all been lost in the dark, thinking that this is all that is. Thinking that the drama that we have cocreated, the perverted system that unhinges and abuses most, is the truth of life here on Earth. But it couldn't be further from the truth.
My truth is that every day I clearly see the glorious technicolor of our world, the shapes and forms and infinite creative expressions of Nature and the Divine life force that flows through us all. I want to celebrate and honor all life, nurture as many different flowers and trees as I can in my little garden and wonder at the incredible beauty of life in all of its radiant diversity.
When I engage with the world beyond my garden my intention is to embody fully this deeper knowing.
And so I have spent the last decade of my life using my privilege to do the inner work and to become aware of all the ways in which I avoid it. To become aware of all the programming we all subscribe to and perpetuate—not enough time, not enough money, not enough support, not enough credentials, not enough experience, and so on. Doing the inner work of tackling the poverty/scarcity/victim mentality which is THE infectious disease we are all dealing with.
Ahhh. The virus. What is this that we have created? What is the virus showing us?
As heart wrenching as it is, I need to look.
“Do you value life?” asks the virus. “All life?”
What about the tick? Or poison ivy? The things that may bring us harm or death?
Remember in the beginning I said my gift was that I can perceive the wholeness of life, the interconnectedness of it all.
Nature, the Earth, helps me remember this truth. But it is mostly just felt and I struggle to articulate and explain my way of seeing the unseen. This is the spiritual journey, it is not scientific. It cannot be rationalized or categorized and it is not linear or logical.
Science is invaluable in helping us understand and make sense of our physical world but it does not take into account the ineffable mystery of it all. It doesn’t take into account the unseen.
Most science is conducted in isolation, within categorized parameters of our current paradigm from which we can only conceive of and examine minute facets of the whole. This is reflective (not critical) of our human intellect and perpetuates the idea that we are somehow separate from nature, from the whole, and that we even have power to control it.
Hmmm. Again, I bump up against an external notion of POWER.
This virus is showing us that we are not seeing the bigger picture. Something invisible to the naked eye is literally crossing all borders, all walks of life without discrimination to help us become aware of the preposterousness of the power structures that we have created. And in our blindness we are scrabbling around, fighting about what is the best (scientific) way to fix this problem. To apply yet another bandaid.
How much more isolating do we have to do in order to realize we have been separated from each other for so long? What are the economic, physical, mental and emotional ramifications from the choices we are making in our fear?
How long will we go before we realize that ALL life is equal and valuable and that death is not something to be feared and battled against but instead something to be honored as part of the creative process. We need to remember that we are so much more than flesh and blood. We need to honor the whole within and without.
How bad does it have to get before we truly understand what it really means to BE IN THIS TOGETHER?
We have forgotten that we are sovereign powerful creative beings. We have forgotten the interconnectivity of all life. We have forgotten our hearts.
Doing the inner work of recognizing and removing the labels, the structures, the beliefs that divide and define us is the only way to break free of the shackles that enslave us all. The only way to heal.
This is heartwork. Remembering ourselves whole.
I’m so grateful Hellebore is here with me...and Hawthorn and Daffodil and Sunflower and Purple Poppy and all the Soulflowers.
I feel into my silence.
Hellebore medicine brings us deep within so that we may experience the dark womb from which we can create our lives. So that we may see ourselves as seeds of creative potential.
Over and over I dive deep into the darkness I feel within me only to discover that my worst fears, everything that I am scared of discovering or revealing or expressing, are simply shadows cast from the light of who I truly am.
The truth is we are the brightest lights we can possibly imagine, pure love, and the dark is the only way we can become aware of this truth in physical reality. This is 3D reality. We have to dive into the dark in order to remember that we are not the dark.
From the inner dark womb of creation all life is born. To know this. To feel it. To embody this truth is to be truly empowered.
Not the kind of power that is external in our world, (strength, money, or status) but the quiet, enduring power that comes from within when we are in alignment with the truth of who we really are. Only then can we create our lives from a place of love and connection rather than from a place of fear and separation.
And so that’s what we are all remembering. Healing. In our own lives and in the collective.
The depth of the transformation we are going through cannot be conceived with our intellect. It will touch each and every one of us without discrimination. We may lose our jobs, we may lose family members, we may lose relationships, we may lose any aspect of our lives that is connected with and part of the system, the way of being, that is dying and being returned to the Earth to be created anew.
It is all of our jobs to witness this transformation with as much love and compassion, non-judgment and forgiveness as we can possibly embody, knowing deeply, trusting, that in the great spiral of life, death in all of its forms is part of evolution and the ineffable process of creation.
“The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion.” ~Paulo Coelho
Let us help each other by taking responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions. Turn off the internal and external voices that say you cannot do this. Turn off the noise. Go within into the dark.
Heal yourself and you will heal others. Empower yourself and you will empower others.
Let us create a new world, a new system that reflects our Divine diversity, like all the beautiful flowers in my garden, like the wisdom of Nature, is always showing us.
We are all here now to do this work. The seeds are within each and every one of us.
This is true empowerment.
And so now, I am fully present with what is and I am able to witness and feel the polarity clearly. I am embodying “being in this world but not of it” far more than I ever have been able to before and most importantly NOT feeling like I don’t belong, but feeling my purpose even more clearly—which is simply to be the most loving and peaceful presence I can be. And that is a daily practice.
I know what to do. I know who I am. So do you.
“This is what it feels like to be brilliantly achingly alive. Alive in the shatter. Alive in the empty. This is what it is to belong to things we cannot possibly understand. This is what it is to trust in the terrifying wisdom of our own becoming”—Jeanette LeBlanc
This is a huge blog post. A cathartic release for me as I bring my truth fully into the light. If you are still reading these words I know with all of my heart that you hold a part of the blueprint of the New Earth within your cells, within your Earth body and I know you are here to remember that your presence is part of the medicine we all need.
Thank you and deep bow to you. It is a great honor to share this journey with you.
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Each flower is a mirror that reflects back at me something that I have forgotten, or something I need to remember, about my essential nature, my true Nature. All relationships are mirrors.
Growth and understanding and change can not always be understood in material form, although we can perceive it more readily that way. Instead it is more of an inside job. It happens in the dark. In other words, growth is not necessarily just about getting bigger it can also be about feeling better. Feeling more like myself.